Monday, December 27, 2010

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Tits: the essence of woman? No, but if I’m completely honest with myself it is most definitely the first feature that any heterosexual male notices when they look at me. I could be a manipulative succubus or a devout and innocent child of god; the first impression I leave only consist of two large spheres of fat. Essentially that is all that breasts are, fat. I’d barely started to wean myself from my parents’ identities and develop my own personality when the ladies started to grow with vigor. That personality has had a long struggle for the lime light. One day, when the ladies shrivel down to leathery sacs that no one finds appealing it is reassuring to know that my intellect and charisma will still be there to support me. The real hope is that someone notices those aspects despite my ample bosom and before my skin begins to prune and my bones become arthritic.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

LMFAO - "I'm not a Whore"

"Most girls I meet are quite savage
Always tryin' to grab up on my package.
They say I look yummy and they want a taste
But I'm a human not a sandwich."
lyrics from the LFMAO song "I'm not a Whore"

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A Bubble Bath without the Tub

Today I was talking to a coworker about how fast kids are growing up these days. She asked me what I wouldn't give to be a kid again. It reminded me of being 10 and riding my bike up and down my street because that was as far as I was allowed to go. By the time you are 10 you have heard many people tell you not to grow up too fast and that you will be old before you know it, etc. I remember thinking that I couldn't wait to be old and promising myself that I would NEVER be one of those people that said things like that. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be a kid again, I cherish my independence too much to give it up. I DO think that it is important that you retain a degree of childish enthusiasm in order to truly enjoy life.

People are often amused by some of the things that come out of my mouth. Some may view these statements as signs of immaturity but I think its imperitive to find joy in the little things in life. For example, I recently went to use foaming hand sanitizer for the first time and was taken by the product. I exclaimed, "It's like a bubble bath without the tub!" everyone was amused by the amount of enthusiasm this product had illicited from me. But if everyone could find joy in the small things that pass us by in our day the world might just be a happier place. Maybe if we all took a moment to appreciate the small things that make us smile daily there would be less of us who wished they could be a kid again. You don't have to be a minor to enjoy life!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Jodi Picoult

"I wonder how much the general population of this country knows that the legal system has far more to do with playing a good hand of poker than it does with justice."
-Jodi Picoult

Limited Mobility

Did you know they still have commercials for Hoveround??

How is the Hoveround different from any other motorized chair? It DOES look more comfortable, I will give them that much. It's like a first-class airline seat on wheels. But does the rounded foot rest really make it more user friendly?

I'll tell you what doesn't make it user friendly; the fact that if I'm interested in buying one they are going to send me a VHS tape to watch.* Talk about dated technology, how am I going to get my blu-ray player to play this? Do they make a playstation that also plays tapes? Why don't they send me a record to listen to, it will probably be easier to find a record player than a VHS player... oh wait, those were called VCRs weren't they?

So once I buy a Hoveround I'll be free to see the world. But will it be free to see the world? Does the Hoveround come with tickets to see the Grand Canyon?? It is in every commercial... The commercial also claims that I will have unlimited mobility. I personally do not own a Hoveround, so last Friday I stayed home because I was afraid to go out since I only had limited mobility.

What I wouldn't do for unlimited mobility... just imagine! I could go rock climbing, scuba diving, parasailing, sky diving, the options are endless! Oh wait, I can't really do any of those things in a Hoveround... they all involve getting out of the Hoveround. So basically I can roll around the house and the grocery store and where ever else I made need to go. It may be a little bit easier to navigate turns... but remind me again, how is the Hoveround different from any other motorized chair?

*They do have the option of sending you a DVD but they show a VHS in the commercial, which makes it comical.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Masterbating Motorcyclist

I'm so glad we're in the Bible belt...

I was driving South on I-75, approaching Macon, Georgia, when I noticed that the motorcyclist on my left is rubbing his crotch pretty intensely. My first thought was, "Wow, that's a big itch..." but when I passed him again several minutes later I noticed his hand was still rubbing his crotch.

He had noticed me looking and it was at this point that I realized he was not just itching... I am riding in the middle lane on the three lane highway and I pass a car in front of me. The motorcyclist manages to stay with me, I decide to not look over or engage him in anyway.

UNTIL... curiosity got the best of me. There had been several pockets of showers and I was surprised that he was still keeping pace with me throughout them. I casually glanced over again.

It was a quick glance, but I could have swore I saw a penis. How could that be?? Surely, no one would actually expose themselves while riding a motorcycle! I did a double take... how could I not?! There he was... a creepy smile on his face, staring directly at me and just rocking out with his cock out. I just stared as he continued to rub himself and then I turned to concentrate on the road ahead of me wondering what one should do in this situation. And then it was over... he merged onto I-475 and I was left in shock.

I did not call the police, I had no idea what I would have said:

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Me: Um, I'm not sure if this is an emergency but there is an exposed motorcyclist heading South on 475...

I had no details about the man or the motorcycle and so I did not call the police... but I did call several friends. I felt molested and intrigued all at once, it was an experience I HAD to share.

Has anyone else had any similar encounters on the road?

How would you have reacted?? Would you have called the police??